This week I have Art Santana on for a chat. He works at Ground Kontrol, one of my favorite places in Portland! We talk about the shape apple pie comes in and eating cinnamon and just food and its extremes in general. It was a genial time. Come get genial with us, won’t you?

I’m way glad to have Xander Deveaux on the show this week, fresh off a super notable appearance on the Paul Goebles Show with Gallagher (of racism fame). Please enjoy us as we stumble through yesterday’s New York Times!

Emmett Montgomery joins me this week in splendor! He dresses like a classy whaler and is truly a delight of a human being.

In our excitement, I bring you Ian Karmel, who is always a joy in reality and on the show. You can hear his past appearances here and here, if you so want and wish.

Otherwise, check out my schedule for the weekend to see when you can catch some greatness. Unoficially, you can also see me at midnight at Ground Kontrol on the 18th, with other Bridgetowners Gabe Dinger, Andrew Orvedahl, and Jake Weisman, and hosted by none other than Ian.

Part of why this episode took so long was schedule calibration. Like a month ago, I had Nic Goans on the show, but the episode just wasn’t my favorite (a lot of intermittent crying, most of it unplanned) so I wanted a do-over. And here it is, and it is well worth the wait. Enjoy it nonetheless.

I want you to know this was the first time I ever spelled “nonetheless” right the first time.

This was quite probably one of the most fun episodes I’ve done. There was plenty in the news what with that broken boat and the pope quit and the President made a speech. Navigating these stagnant waters with me this week is Anthony Lopez, one of the funniest people I know.

Oh, and I forgot to mention what happened with the live episode on this episode. Maybe next episode. Great, now I’m having an episode. ACK!

That last paragraph was a “Cathy” cartoon strip.

Still, this week’s episode is a great one. I’m happy to have Campy Draper (producer of the Spicy News and recent progenitor of Tweets of Lore) and Mandy Alietta (also of the Spicy News and general awesomeness) on the show this week.

And, if you haven’t made your plan for this Thursday yet, write in the second ever Live Taping of Jon Reads the Paper into your calendar! It’s gonna be quite rad.

Right now I’m in a crepe place and I came here thinking it would be more of a cafe but it seems like more of a sit down and have dinner or have dessert when you’re the kinda person who treats dessert as its own separate outing like you ate at home but you went out for dessert kind of place. And on top of that, there’s only one outlet in here and it’s right next to the one other person in here so I’m just right over her shoulder frantically ticking and ticking and ticking away at this keyboard I bet it’s really cheesing her off.

Very happy to have Alex Falcone on the show, who was nice enough to let me use his equipment. Kind of made me feel like I was on his show, Read it and Weep. (What a seamless plug!) Joining as well is Barbara Holm, who writes on Falcone’s Late Night Action and is a delightful person to boot!

And remember: the second live taping of Jon Reads the Paper goes down Thursday, February 7 at the Tonic Lounge! Be at there!

Such goodness this week. According to massive media, you’re all sick with the flu. So once you’re sick of all that sweet sweet daytime television programming, why not pump a little Jon Reads the Paper into your system?

This week, I have Jeff Oliver and Steven Wilber help me make heads and tails of, well, mostly television. It’s just so hard to watch television these days, y’know?

In the good news department, I’m happy to announce the second ever live taping of Jon Reads the Paper! Thursday, February 7, at the Tonic Lounge in sunny Portland! Tell your friends! Stay tuned for the lineup!

Otherwise, make sure to write a review on iTunes, as always!

You’re just not.

Coming back at you, in full force, it’s one more episode of Jon Reads the Paper! This week I’ve got Gabe Dinger and Christian Ricketts joining me. It gets fun. It gets serious. It gets somewhere in between. Truly I enjoyed this episode, as you will. By force. You have to enjoy this podcast.

You also have to leave a review on iTunes.

And you have to like us on Facebook.

Cheers.

The Sunday New York Times is insane. It turns out there’s a lot of news that’s fit to print. We didn’t even get to any of the stuff by that puzzle dude from the radio.

Marcia Belksy joins me this week as we talk about the Apocalypse, death, murder, murderdeath, and Facebook. Truly it was a delight.

-Shane Torres

The other week, I was about to get in a car with some other comics to do a show out of town, and almost took my mic and laptop with me, thinking: “Four funny people in a car? That’s a podcast.”  Sometimes I’m about to go to the grocery, and I think: “Hey, maybe I should make a podcast of this.” I’m still deciding whether or not to release the running commentary I recorded while pulling an ingrown hair.

Luckily, Nick Walker and Tynan Delong had a similar idea. Join us, won’t you, as we present a special episode of Jon Reads the Paper: Jon Reads the Menu, recorded at the Hungry Tiger Too.

This week, we’ve got Chuck Frederickson of the Chuck N Buck Show, which you can go see at Dante’s every Tuesday at 10. This coming Tuesday, I’ll be on the bill as the comedian guest. In other news, always be sure to email the show,
and leave butt-tons of compliments on iTunes!

This week sees the delightful Andie Main joining me on such topics as Big Bird, Botox, Boy Scouts and Gentleman Giraffes. It was a delightful chat. There were even callbacks! And animal death. Lots of animal death.

Oh, and during the debate, I was doing this podcast with Nick Walker. He was funny. We both was funny, really. Get down!

I can only apologize so many times. We skipped last week due to geographical shift and general laziness. But this week’s Jon reads the Paper is way thematically appropriate!

New Roommate and General Good Guy Phil Schallberger joins me as I read the Oregonian that shows up on our porch mysteriously every day. It’s like that show “Morning Edition,” except we get the same paper that everybody else does. Listen to us delve through the mire of election politics! It’s fun of course!

This week, I have long-time listener, first-time caller Zak Toscani on the show. It’s a good one. We talk about Harry Potter, Green Day, and No Doubt. You know, important stuff. And we only digress into Portland Comedy talk like twice!

I hope you have the time of your lives, listeners.

I’m in the process of a move, and admittedly, have been very spotty at getting episodes of the show done. This might continue through to October, but please bear with me as I slowly right the ship. We will be sailing ahead at full steam as Fall comes upon us.

For now, enjoy and stuff.

It’s so great to bring you today’s episode, recorded live at the Tonic Lounge on a dimming August 22nd evening.

This show went very well and I totally didn’t have any stress dreams about the sound not working or the microphones turning into butter. Luckily, you can at least faintly catch the audience’s approval, along with the tinkling keys of Mr. Ira Novos, who randomly appeared like so many wild Pokemon.

Of course I’d like to thank Danny Felts, Stephanie Purtle, Kyle Harbert, Jessie McCoy, Christian Rickets, Whitney Streed, Gabe Dinger and Ian Karmel for coming out. Email Me your feedbacks, and hopefully we’ll be seeing another live show come around real soon!

In other news, tonight’s the night! Jon Reads the Paper Live on Ice is happening at the Tonic Lounge at 9:30. Come out! It’ll be good. If you’re out of state or don’t know what’s good for you or something, the episode will be up next week. Even the Portland Mercury and Oregonlive recognize my rad-ness! Excitement!

Delving into the abyss with me is the always-game Arthur Hickman. This is a grand old episode that I have nothing bad to say about until maybe later when I finally listen to it.

Otherwise, get yourself in gear for Wednesday’s Jon Reads the Paper Live on Ice! We’ve recieved brief writeups in both the Mercury and on OregonLive’s Hotlist. It’s going to be great; I’ve been having weird dreams about it not working out!

This week I have the irascible Dan Duncan on the mic. We go over the Oregonian, talking fluoride, Olympics, and Shark Week. I hope you get this as it’s coming out, because I’d like to imagine you tucked in bed and listening in your jammies. Not in a weird way; just a mildly distressing way.

And, of course, remember that Jon Reads the Paper Live on Ice happens in less than two weeks! We’d love to see all of you there!

So mostly this week we talk about the Hobbit. I mean, three movies? What the hell? This week I have Scoot Herring in the basement. Be sure to check out Rippletron, and his yet-to-be-titled Dungeons and Dragons project.

And our live show is coming up soon! August 22nd, 9:30pm at the Tonic Lounge in Portland! It’s going to be quite rad.

Cheers.

This week, I talk about cancer, blood, death and onions with Sean Jordan. I think we keep it relatively light; it was hard to find a positive spin on all that onion stuff.

Jimmy Newstetter guests.

Don’t make him angry. Listen to the episode.

This episode leans more towards the real, so prepare yourself for that. Still, there’s a lot of stuff about Elmo and basketball, so be ready for some megalaffs.

Throw out your iPads, all of them you own. There’s a new tablet in town, and it’s quite set to gently blow your mind.

This week, Danny Felts (of the Spicy News Network and general video awesomeness) and I finally sit down for a one-on-one episode. Mostly we complain about technology and people our age. It’s awesome!

And, as always, be sure to like Jon Reads the Paper on Facebook, and leave some manner of delightful comment on the iTunes!

Super devoted.

This week I have “Portland’s Funniest Person” semifinalist Xander Deveaux on the show to discuss the Portland Mercury’s Pride Issue. We talk about marriage, mainly, since that’s the topic the Mercury decided to focus on as well. Antics! I mostly worry myself about being insensitive. It’s fun!

And I mentioned it at the end of the show, but next Friday, June 8th, is Helium’s Portland’s Funniest Person Contest. It’s a contest, which means it’s super-relevant and important. Come on out; my round is at 7:30. Mention my name when you call for tickets and get two for ten bucks. Or e-mail me an e-mail to try and get on the comp list!

Self-Promotion!

I have a lot of conflicted feelings about this week’s episode. A lot. But I decided to be the bigger man, and put the episode out. Were they jerks? Was I overreacting? You decide. There’s only one right answer, but you decide.

Oh, and time-traveling Obama. That is all.

Oh, hello. Didn’t see you come in.

Hiding something? Behind my back? Oh, this? This is nothing; just a little present.

It’s an episode of Jon Reads the Paper, just sorta threw it together. Thought you might like it.

There’s some pretty interesting news in the world. Some airplanes fell out of the sky and I learned what a duck boat is. And the President announced his support of gay marriage. Shampoo magnate Phil Schallberger joined me to discuss these current events. His insights are all hard-hitting, incisive, and often about Pokemon.

I’m way excited this week to bring you a new cultural perspective. After many weeks and months of presenting you with the whitebread angle of the Oregonian, I’m proud to launch the Columbian directly at your face (if you consider your ears a part of the face) and give you a whole new whitebread angle for your butt to ruminate on.

Jeff Oliver joins me this week as we navigate underemployment, film concession studies, and the menace behind the wheel we call the elderly. If you’re in the Portland (or Clark County) area, please come down Thursday, April 26 and see us rock your socks off of you at Ground Kontrol for No Pun Intendo.

And Happy Birthday to Packy the Elephant.

Bridgetown performer Christian Ricketts joins me today to read the USAToday to discuss Indiana Jones, Tornado Races, and the Snapple Lady. You know you miss her as much as I do. You can see Christian’s performer sched on the sched page of www.BridgetownComedyFestival2012SponsoredByPabstBlueRibbon.com

So talking about sperm with me this week is Shane Torres, super fantastick comedian and upcoming Bridgetown Comedy Festival performer. This is the longest episode of Jon Reads the Paper yet, and every minute is pure gold.

And thanks to you, the listener, who actually had a say in the matter and could’ve just turned the episode off.

Unless you did. Then I have nothing to say to you.

Joining me earlier this week, my special lady friend Blue and my regular manfriend Danny Felts did all manner of paper-reading. Due to time constraints and things getting “too real,” the episode ended on a sorta odd note. Last night, we got together and recorded what became the second half of this week’s Jon Reads the Paper.

I’d be interested to see what all of you all think. Email me, interact on the facebook, and as always, and say nice things on iTunes.

Oh, and stay tuned for a super special episode next week!

Hi bros and such!

I’m way proud to say that Jon Reads the Paper is now a prize-winning show. Prestige! It’s now “the prize-winning podcast, Jon Reads the Paper.” Keep those e-mails coming, especially the link exchanges and wonderful cash euro prizes.

This week I have the wonderful Jessie McCoy in the studio department with me reading the Asian Reporter. We talk about riding the bus!

I’m Xtremely happy to have Jen Allen on this week’s episode! We get into the Oregonian, which means there’s plenty of talk of Skull and Bones, Powerball, and Internet Safety. I also get into some weird talk about what’s happening in my work life, which is always a totally professional move to make whilst doing podcasting.

In other housekeeping, I’m urging you fervently to send me your emails! Stories, feedback, general fat-chewing. I want to hear it all!

Oh, and if you wanna hear that This American Life Episode I allude to, you can hear it here. But listen to every episode of my show first.

Yesterday we recorded a very special Leap Day episode. And keeping with the relevance of Leap Day, we’re reading the Southeast Examiner, which is chock-full of stuff that totally applies to you and me. Watch out for that pool closure!

We also have dual guests this week. Stephanie Purtle, formerly a comic out of Eugene, now a Portland resident. Helping me explain to her the ostentatious mundanity of Portland is Danny Felts, from the Spicy News Network. Make sure to bring your kombucha bottles to the curb for recylcing: it’s time for Jon Reads the Paper!

This week’s episode is brought to you by Shoe City! Come on down for our Post-President’s-Day Sale! Tell ‘em Jon sent you!

Today I’m reading the USAToday with Tynan Delong, and I’m here to say that we really get into it. This week’s news includes Siri, the Oscars, and that unfortunate incident where all Afghanistan burned down.

Get into it! Also, admire our new logo! Write a comment on iTunes and like us on Facebook!

The Star Wars references (and reverence) hits critical overload this week, with a blast from the past. Rather than produce new content, this episode is a special archival clip from the early years of Jon Reads the Paper, all the way back in 1998, when Lou Bega was a thing.

Joining me this week (in both the present and past tenses) is the perennially nervous Steven Wilber. He’s a very funny man, who is woefully wrong: this episode, controversial as it may be, must see the light of day.

Tune in next week for something less disappointing.

Happy Football Equivalent of Boxing Day!

Today’s episode was recorded on Superbowl Eve, so we don’t have all the details, but I assure you, we do quite a job of hiding it! So congratulations to the winning team! Wasn’t it crazy when they did that thing that made it a sure thing they’d win? I wish them well in the coming season and hope they return well-rested from whichever Disney theme park they elect to visit.

This week in the studio department I have the illustrious Ian Karmel, man about town. He knows more about sports than I do (it’s a fact), and possibly even more about Star Wars (that’s doubtful). Find him on the Facebook (of which we all now own stock of, right?) and the Twitter.

But seriously, how ’bout that halftime show? They must’ve spent more on codpieces than Rick Santorum does on SEOs (zing).

It’s a good day to be a podcasting person guy. Continuing from my appearance on the Nobody Showcase earlier this month, I’m bringing on Scoot ‘n’ Troy from Rippletron to read the Oregonian.

Rippletron’s a show I stay on top of that has plenty of crossover guests from past JRTP (and future!) episodes. I’ve been their guest in the past and I’ll be their guest later this week.

But before you abandon this ship for the other, more nerdy, podcast waters, get a load of this rather bulbous episode of paper-reading. Double your guests! Double your fun!

Lastly, get on board with Facebook! I’m making it my own personal goal to say “100 people on Facebook can’t be wrong” at the top of next week’s episode.

It’s been a moment since I’ve done an episode like this. Lack of planning and schedule alignment have resulted in the first solo Jon Reads the Paper since the debacle of Episode 9.

I’m not sure what there is to say about this episode; I forget most of the things I said in my coffee-addled stupor. I know I’d like to dedicate this episode to my cat, who has been there for me, against her will, this whole time.

This week I have on the show Nick Walker, who has never button mashed in a Zelda game. We take a vaguely cynical look at hipster culture through the lens of the obscure weekly Chinatown Newspaper, a publication described on its own website as “Hip, edgy, comical, professional, and raw.”

So if you’re looking for hip, edgy, professionally comic rawness, you’re in luck.

Also in this episode, we find out just how much I love to talk about how much I hate the movie “Daredevil.”

It’s a lot.

This episode brought to you by General Electric and the Mayonnaise Advisory Board-source of the best advice for mayo, from mayo.

I’m very proud to say today’s guest is the nonplussed and political Tom Johnson, of sunny downtown Portland’s Brody Theater! Together we get into the new-sponge-dryness that is the New York Times (or the Old Grey Horsefucker, according to Mr. James Newstetter) and wring out that last bit of funny.

And, in other news, I made an appearance on this Week’s Nobody Showcase with Nic Goans and Campy Draper, who you may remember from our delightful foray into the Wall Street Journal!

Monumental.

Great thanks to my sister Erin Washington for her Jesus Birthday drawing of Jean-Paul StarTrek. Isn’t it nice? Of course it is, don’t be silly.

Also today marks the return of Christen Manville as my guest ghost. This is a good episode. We’ve got cemeteries, cops, Wookiepedia, and insipid sluts.

And as always, be sure to become a fan on facebook, and leave a comment in iTunes. It’s the only way to help me turn the nonbelievers.

Look out gang, it’s a phantom episode of Jon Reads the Paper!

That’s right, instead of talking about anything actually relevant, I have Jay Jay Menudo in the studio apartment with me to discuss the future. It’s a highly improbable story, torn from the…pages…of the Twilight Zone.

So grab your longboard, sit yourself close to the ipod with a mug of macaroni hot chocolate, and listen to the story of the man in the glass tower, all by himself with his lady friend.

This week I read The Asian Reporter with Ahmad Radheyyan, who also happened to be holding me under hostage in my apartment at the time. Fresca was had by all.

Today’s Jon Reads the Paper brings you Grace Sadie. Join us, won’t you, as we talk about wheat fields, dead giraffes, movies that make us cry, the “no man,” and How to Get the Money.

But we definitely don’t talk about “Crazy Stupid Love.” Definitely not that.

Also, I’m not a Nazi. So stop thinking that.

The best part of today’s Jon Reads the Paper is at the five-minute mark, when I inform my guests Nick Goans and Campy Draper of the Nobody Showcase that we’ll be reading the Wall Street Journal.

Very quickly it turns out, the joke is on all three of us.

Join us, will you, as we navigate sci-fi, occupy, shake weight, and Tom Cruise’s stolen eyeballs. We’ll be your dungeonmasters through this barrow den we call current events. So be sure to put on your cloak of +1 fun, ’cause fun is the thing we’ll be having.

Also, please feel free to email me at Jon@ReadsthePaper.com and let me know what the heck an IPO is. I act like I know, but I really don’t.

Don’t worry, though. I’m totally the forgiving type. Here, have an episode of Jon Reads the Paper to make you feel better.

There. Now you see, there wasn’t anything to get all upset about, now was there? Don’t you feel a little silly, getting upset at a website? If not, you should.

So hey, here’s a pre-taped, speculative episode of Jon Reads the Paper for you. On Saturday, Tynan Delong and I went ahead and guessed what would be happening in the news today, and I think you’ll find we’re pretty on the nose about everything.

Enjoy, and happy Thanksgiving!

Now’s the time for Jon Reads the Paper. And today, we’re reading Street Roots, which means it’s also time for guilt!

In the apartment with me today is Christian Ricketts, another privileged white male. Join us as we mock the less-fortunate and deny our complicity in this Macarena dance that we call society!

Polio! Stagnant water! Erasers! Turkeys! Beware of all these things this week, on Jon Reads the Paper!

It’s only just now that I realized that the eleventh episode of Jon Reads the Paper comes out on 11/11/11. Eerie, no?

Today’s episode marks our first return guest ghost, in one Mister James Newstetter. Join us, won’t you, as we read about Occupy Portland, Billy Crystal, Richard Nixon, Thrillings, and grocery store gas stations.

This episode brought to you but the good, totalitarian folks at Evolution Fresh, Inc.

Things can’t be all that bad if you’ve got yourself an episode of Jon Reads the Paper all up in your grill. Today I’m pleased as punch to bring you a reading of the Oregonian with Christen Manville, preceded by a digression on Zombies and Harry Potter.

A little housekeeping: for the last couple of weeks I’ve been getting some emails about not being able to download episodes through iTunes, or even directly off the site. This was due to a robot occupation of my section of the internet. The robots have been arrested and their cameras broken. You can now download the show in peace.

So please, curl up with, I don’t know, a cat or dog or something, and Episode #9: Revolution Tech N9ne. Reptile owners: don’t curl up with your snake or lizard. You’re weird.

I should probably let you know that I’m reading the Oregon Daily Emerald this morning, during the witching hour. Lots of witching going on. Which witch is the witcher, though? Beats me.

The first time I typed that, it said “Beat me,” which you’re welcome to do if you’re dissatisfied with this episode. But only this one. If you hate the others, tough luck. Beat up your computer.

Episode #9: Revolution Tech N9ne

I’m so happy to bring you our first sponsored episode, brought to you by Simple Green. It’s simple. It’s green. Simply buy a ton of it.

Today I’ve got Scoot Herring in the studio apartment, reading the USAToday from yesterday. Expect a butt-ton of verbal judo, because that’s our verbal martial art of choice.

This is one great episode of Jon Reads the Paper. One episode is all you need.

Apologies to Dave Thomas. Both of them.

This is a benchmark episode. In honor of National Coming Out Day, on this Jon Reads the Paper, I out myself as a sexist homophobe. Please open up your heart and  accept me for the bigot I am.

This week, I’m reading LGBTQ News Magazine Just Out with the always hilarious, never pun-shy, Whitney Streed! This episode was truly a treat, and I assure you, there are more homophones than homophobes in this particular episode.

As always, be sure to find Jon Reads the Paper on iTunes and Fracebook.

And email something, I know not what, to Jon@readsthepaper.com

They say you should aim to live a life without regrets. Wise words, and I follow them every day.

That said, I have a lot of regrets about this episode.

First and foremost, I regret bringing the handsome and funny Tynan DeLong on this episode. That was a huge mistake.

Secondly, I hugely regret to inform you that there’s now a Facebook Page for Jon Reads the Paper. Like us. Like us like you mean it.

And lastly, I’m incredibly regretful to let you know that Jon Reads the Paper is now available on iTunes. Subscribe. Leave a comment. Force others to do the same.

Oh, and I also feel a light remorse about the Zumba-induced rages I flew into while recording this episode. They weren’t flattering.

No, Mister Rooney. You lose.

Today I have nobody on the show with me, because I hate people. Most of you can go suck eggs. Yeah, I said it. Don’t be hating.

So it’s just me, reading the USAToday from yesterday. It’s a pretty good one. If you were ever curious about how I felt about hackers, girls kissing girls on airplanes, or the fall television season, you are truly in for a treat.

Otherwise, you can go ahead and do the egg thing, like I asked.

For starters, I’d planned to read the Portland Community College student paper my illustrious guest Steven Wilber. Sadly, people at community college are remarkably lazy, and let things like “summer vacation” get in the way of their publication schedule.

So instead, we read hippie newspaper Alternatives. And I assure you, we have plenty to say. I’m still trying to get my finger on what exactly happens at Breitenbush Hot Springs.

Lastly, a word of warning about the audio quality this week: it’s rotten. The first half of the episode is remarkably perfect, but for the second half we decided to broadcast from the abyss RobotWorld.

So hey, enjoy this episode if you have the fortitude.

Yours, from the abyss,

Jon.

Today’s episode is a super-amazing episode with the super-amazing Jimmy Newsletter!

Again, if you want to send in any letters, news stories, or demands for apologies,just send me an e-mail.

As always, check up on me on the twitter, and keep your eyes open for a facebook fan page!

So hello to you all.

This is the first episode of Jon Reads the Paper, in which I’ll be reading the day’s newspaper into a microphone. I won’t really be doing much else than that.

Today I’m reading the USAToday from Tuesday, August 23 with Mister Shawn Fleek of The Mental State Department. So sit back with a glass of an appropriate beverage, and think back to where you were…yesterday.

Oh, and be sure to leave a comment, email me any interesting news stories, find me on twitter, and so on.